Every thought I have seems to jump through many dimensions and not anchor into any dimension. This makes for quite hazy thinking.
I make lists, "Things To Do", "Don't Forget", "Check Out", and even a "WTF" list. I list things on them, not in any priority, just as they come out of me. I even set reminder notices for them and grimace when they ping my ipad or computer and quickly tap the screens (yes I stupidly tap the computer screen, sighs) to shut off the reminder. So, what good are these reminders?
A few I've completed.
Too many I just shut off.
I don't want to share any deep secrets now. I don't want to open my mind and give a peek in there... nor my heart, least of all my heart. I just want to take walks. Walks in the morning. Walks in the evening. Walks around the neighborhood. Walks to the beach. Even walks around my house.
When I walk around the neighborhood I always stop and smell the roses, or run my hands through lavender bushes as I pass them and bring my hand to cup my nose. Inhaling deeply, I envision a deep serenity calming my mind. Is it troubled?
What? My mind?
I don't know. You tell me.
But I tend to have this thing inside me that catches hold of me and forces me to wake up in the middle of the night, or suddenly stop what I'm doing and focus on words and actions.
Do they match?
Cuz if they don't, then the words are simply meaningless.
And I'm so tired of meaningless words. I'd much rather not even hear words because more often than not anymore they are really quite meaningless.
So, I stare at plants, watching the light and shadow play with them. Seeing all the shades of color merged together into one living thing. Plants for the most part are pretty spectacular. But then I start to feel... something... and I get up and walk away.
No. I am not walking away from emotion, or what I start to feel. I walk away because my body needs to move and I go in search of music, some song I can feel... it's that feeling that will move my body. It moves to interesting songs. The words of the songs more important sometimes over the music. I am listening to hear meaning.
I am listening...
and as time goes on I realize, no words will come.
They won't.
Cuz words like those are said in the intensity of a moment, or catapulted by an implosive emotion, or sputtered at the height of excitement... words like those are "caught up in the moment" words. They feel right and good to say in the moment, but as time goes on... they fade.
They fade.... fadddddddddd.... faaaaaaaaa.... ffffffffff....
So why do we hold on to the words?
Oh wait, I know. Because we didn't utter them, they were uttered to us....
So, during this cerebral journey I've asked my self over again and again, "what words have you uttered that ended up being meaningless?"
What words of meaningless promises have you uttered?
What meaningless promises have you said to someone else? Words, meaningless words, that when you whispered them you meant every meaning behind them, but that you let fade away like a scarf on the breeze?
Well... I watched the scarf take flight by the breeze, closing my eyes, taking a deep full breath. Opening them, I gazed out to sea.
All was calm. I know now what to do. I stood, shook the sand from my feet and went back to my computer....
See what happens when you step inside the mind of a writer when she is frustrated with one of her characters, who keeps insisting on doing things his own way? lol
What?!
Did you think this was about you?
Thanks for reading... until next blog...
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